Those first days and weeks felt like a bad dream that I couldn’t wake up from and it amazed me that one person could produce so many tears.
When I got pregnant in April 2020 we were thrilled to learn at 18 weeks that we were expecting a girl. It was our fourth, and I thought, final pregnancy and this was perfect: two boys and two girls. But at my 24 week appointment that all shattered into a million lost dreams. Our precious baby girl had slipped away to Heaven and my heart was devastated. I delivered early the next morning on September 5, 2020 and we named her Sarah, which means “Princess.”
Those first days and weeks felt like a bad dream that I couldn’t wake up from and it amazed me that one person could produce so many tears. Thankfully, God blessed us with supportive family and church family around us and I’m not sure how I would have gotten through that time without them. Another blessing was finding “Mom’s Club” where I found other mom’s who had an understanding of what I had experienced. And in the last year there have been a few particular individuals who have continued to offer support, love and prayers.
Though in this past year I never got to see her smile or watch her grow and learn to crawl or play with her siblings, I’m thankful for her and the lessons she has left me with, or rather, God has taught me through her life. I believe I have become a more compassionate person. I have seen God’s love displayed over and over in tangible ways through His people reminding me of His presence and His care. He weeps with those who weep. When I couldn’t breathe through the tears, He somehow pulled me through and showed me His love. Heaven is much more real now and I long to know more about the place where Jesus is present and my daughter plays with three cousins and is adored by six great grandparents.
Have I questioned God in all of this? Of course! I think it would be abnormal not to. But at the end of it all, there’s truly no One else to go to. He is our Hope and despite the mess and sadness that sin has left us with in this world, He is sovereign and loving and though I don’t understand, I believe one day, when I hold my Sarah in my arms once again, perhaps singing in worship to our Savior with her, I will.
If you can relate in any way to my experience, I would encourage you to remember a few things. First, God wastes nothing in the lives of His children (Rom 8:28, Ps 103:4). Second, it’s okay to scream and cry out at God. He’s big enough to handle it. Just don’t ignore Him or leave Him out of this hard time. He wants to carry you through. Third, it’s okay to give yourself permission and space to grieve. This is a hard, hard thing that has happened to you. Don’t bottle it up, but find healthy outlets.
I love you, Sarah, and I miss you as I will everyday until we meet in Heaven.
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Amy Graham is a wife to a loving husband, mom to three earthly children and one in Heaven. She is a stay at home mom and enjoys doing activities with her family, singing, drinking tea, and when there’s enough energy leftover, some baking.